So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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