Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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