??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize