A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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