Acid is not a monday night drug
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
