my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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