just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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