I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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