what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
