I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
