I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
