YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
