apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
