You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize