in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
