i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
