if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
