I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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