i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
