I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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