Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
