I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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