Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
