We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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