I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
