I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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