I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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