Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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