Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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