all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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