She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
