she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
