The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
