he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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