Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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