So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
