i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
