she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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