Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize