Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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