Did you just see the Batmobile???
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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