Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
