Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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