I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
