It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
