i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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