party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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