Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
