Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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