My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
