That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
