guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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