Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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