the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
