9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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