Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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