You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
