found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
