I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
