I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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