and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize