I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
