he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
